13 February 2009
Unexpected effects of the credit crunch
The thing I find most disturbing about the whole credit crunch is that throughout the whole of my life, I’d always assumed that banking just worked. I wasn’t entirely sure how, but I felt safe in the knowledge that the finances of the world were being tended by a horde of number drones that if necessary, would harvest more money by milking their cash-glands or whatever it was that they did. I didn’t even begrudge the fact that bankers were all massively rich. If anything, that was more comforting – who’d want to take fiscal advice from a skint banker?
But now, I have to say I’m very worried indeed. Not because the global economy is in crisis – there’s not much I can personally do about that and if nothing else, the subsequent job losses to bankers and estate agents means that the smugness of the world has roughly halved.
What I am worried about though is this; what other things have I taken for granted that can suddenly go tits up at any moment? If it can happen to the entire global monetary system, what’s to say that other professions won’t suddenly find perilous flaws in things they always assumed actually worked? What if dentists realise that the stuff they use for fillings suddenly becomes highly explosive when it comes into contact with mint? Or if doctors discover that having five portions of fruit a day causes cancer?
Jesus, what if gravity stopped working? Maybe simply believing in it is the only thing that makes it true, like when Wile-E-Coyote runs off a cliff but doesn’t fall until he looks down? Maybe as soon as someone points out that Isaac Newton was talking a load of old paff, we’ll suddenly float away, cursing the fact that we ever believed the pudge-faced scientific chancer in the first place.
I’m trying not to panic here, but I can’t help it. The credit crunch has made me afraid of everything suddenly not working and I’m now walking around like a pre-historic numpleton, afraid that the sky will fall on my head or that the sun is angry with me. I know that in these difficult times I have to carry on with life as best I can, but for now I’m steering well clear of fruit and if someone offers me a polo, I think it's wise to decline in case my face explodes.
But now, I have to say I’m very worried indeed. Not because the global economy is in crisis – there’s not much I can personally do about that and if nothing else, the subsequent job losses to bankers and estate agents means that the smugness of the world has roughly halved.
What I am worried about though is this; what other things have I taken for granted that can suddenly go tits up at any moment? If it can happen to the entire global monetary system, what’s to say that other professions won’t suddenly find perilous flaws in things they always assumed actually worked? What if dentists realise that the stuff they use for fillings suddenly becomes highly explosive when it comes into contact with mint? Or if doctors discover that having five portions of fruit a day causes cancer?
Jesus, what if gravity stopped working? Maybe simply believing in it is the only thing that makes it true, like when Wile-E-Coyote runs off a cliff but doesn’t fall until he looks down? Maybe as soon as someone points out that Isaac Newton was talking a load of old paff, we’ll suddenly float away, cursing the fact that we ever believed the pudge-faced scientific chancer in the first place.
I’m trying not to panic here, but I can’t help it. The credit crunch has made me afraid of everything suddenly not working and I’m now walking around like a pre-historic numpleton, afraid that the sky will fall on my head or that the sun is angry with me. I know that in these difficult times I have to carry on with life as best I can, but for now I’m steering well clear of fruit and if someone offers me a polo, I think it's wise to decline in case my face explodes.
Labels: Mark Allen spraff credit crunch
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